Talking to children about their feelings

Encouraging children to talk about their feelings, whether you are their parent, grandparent, relative or family friend can be extremely helpful but sometimes it is difficult to know how to start that conversation.

Clues in how they play

Before jumping straight in to a conversation, observe the child’s play first. Children express themselves through play as well as through words and you can learn a lot about how they are feeling by just observing them playing. 

Children that are stress often play fighting games with their toys. Gently comment on this by saying “There is a lot of fighting going on” or even “it seems a bit frightening”. This can help them start talking about what is bothering them. 

By just offering the opportunity to talk you’ll be making the child feel more comfortable with you, making them feel more comfortable to open up about their problems. 

If they do start talking, gently as what is wrong. But if they child does not open up, just let the subject go. You can repeat the process another time and they will open up when they are ready. 

If your child is worried about scary news

It is almost impossible to stop children from finding out about upsetting news, especially in the current climate but there is a possibility they may find it traumatic. 

Advice from the Mental Health Foundation says: 

• do not blackout all exposure to news; it is unlikely you will succeed and it could potentially increase their fears 
• be honest with them; children appreciate the truth
• let them know it is ok to be worried and let them know you also get worried from time to time
• encourage them to ask questions
• reassurance; although you might not have all the answers it is important to reassure them that you will do everything to keep them safe 

Talking to a child that is grieving 

The concept of death to a child is very confusing and the word “died” potentially has no meaning to them. Ensure that you explain that if someone they know has died that “they are not going to be with us any more”. Try to stay away from using phrases that reference “going to sleep” as this can increase a child’s fear of going to sleep themselves. 

During bereavement it can help a child to talk about the person who has died, try not to exclude them from conversations about the person they have lost but rather encourage their opinion and memories. 

Where possible try not to exclude them from ceremonies and services after someone has died but rather include them in any events  that celebrate or say goodbye to the person who has died. 

Direct, honest and open communication can be more helpful than trying to protect your child by hiding the truth. This can also help your child be open about their own feelings and avoid confusion about what has happened. It is important for them to have someone with whom they can talk about that person and share their emotions. Don’t be offended if this isn’t you, still encourage their conversations and offer photos, games or even a memory box. 

 Over time, children may start to talk more about their loss at different times and in different ways. Young children may start talking about death or including it in their play, but this is normal and is a way for them to make sense of what has happened.